I haven't caught up on any work related things because, frankly, I'm anxious to dive in to that black hole only to find myself emerge stressed and feeling like a useless failure.
I haven't read or even come close to finishing at least one novel on my towering to-read pile.
I haven't worked out. In like 6 months. And haven't jogged in as long. Last Janurary I was running (struggling to) 5Ks. This Janurary I'll be out of breath climbing the 2 flights of stairs to my apartment.
It's not that I make excuses for myself or that I'm apathetic. It's more that I"m scared to. Which doesn't even make sense since everything that I''m not doing is only to benefit myself. Yet, here I sit in my 70s green and dark wooden arm chair on this Wednesday night, writing this.
Which don't get me wrong, it feels really good to write out all the "Haven't done"s in length. Puts things in perspective.
My only solace is that there is some other poor souls like myself who struggle to accomplish their own "Haven't done"s.
I mean, if I had any pardon on not accomplishing anything, I would be the one to have it:
1. New teaching position - 1st year teaching has definitely been the hardest.
2. Got engaged and married with my best friend and best man I could've ever asked for.
3. Experienced what so many women have dealt with: a miscarriage.
4. Struggling to find a career that will be rewarding, make substantial bank, and be a job I can look forward to every day.
5. Crazy weight gain. I mean like, insane crazy.
All these things have been very impactful this past year. And yet, it's like all these expereinces are holding me back and weighing my soul down.
It's burying my under 10+ years of regret, depression, anxiousness, and confusion about what I really want.
Do I want to be a runner?
Do I want to be a teacher?
Do I want to be a mother?
Do I know what the fuck I want?